Your Holiday: Merry or Maddening?

Once again, the holidays are upon us. Along with pumpkin pies, squealing children running around, and lots of hugs and laughter come the inevitable not-so-fun moments. Are there people around your table you would rather not see if you could help it? Those who always seem to say something critical? Those who won’t even speak to each other?

Strained and broken relationships among family members are often difficult to repair—and it is rarely possible to accomplish this during an annual gathering. But there are things you can do to make it better.

 

Bonnie Artman Fox, whose career has included working as a licensed therapist as well as a registered nurse, is the founder of A Conscious Choice through which she teaches skills to deal with difficult people and situations. She has wise and thoughtful advice for those who are struggling with family issues during the holidays. In a nutshell, Bonnie advises giving a “heart gift…”

“…compassion instead of a comeback…a smile instead of sarcasm…affirming words instead of attacking words.”

OK, this can be really tough to do—especially when you’ve been deeply hurt by someone. The following is a quote Bonnie shares that could make it easier for you:

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”  - Thich Nhat Hanh

While extending compassion, forgiveness—even tolerance—for a few hours on one or two days out of the year might be doable, it likely will not restore the relationship(s). But it will make the day more pleasant for everyone.

Try it. If it goes well for you, then consider taking another step. At Samaritan Counseling Center, our therapists are trained to help families and couples to improve—and often restore—damaged relationships.

Give family counseling a try. Yes, it’s hard work—there’s no magic involved! But all the people who got professional counseling and are now gathering at their holiday tables sharing love, peace and happiness will tell you that it was well worth their efforts.

First Responders

We are all familiar with the term “first responders.” But did you know you can be a “mental health first responder?”

I recently participated in a workshop entitled Mental Health CPR. Presented by the National Alliance on Mental Illness—NAMI—this program equips you to respond effectively to someone who is having a mental health crisis.

A mental health crisis can take the form of a:
•    Panic attack
•    Emotional breakdown
•    Delusional episode

There are right ways and there are WRONG ways to interact with a person in the midst of a mental health crisis. We might think we would know what to say and do, but I can assure you that when faced by someone in the midst of such a crisis, we are likely to become tongue-tied or say or do the exact opposite of what we should.

For example, if a person with major depression is describing a situation to you while sobbing uncontrollably, your natural response might be something like, “Oh, this happens to everyone. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine tomorrow.” Or, “I understand how you feel. Let me tell you what happened to me…” Although you may think you are offering comfort, your comments will likely come across as belittling—and cut like a knife.

Here’s another example. A person with schizophrenia may be hallucinating and hearing voices. He or she may tell you that there are aliens nearby, ready to attack. In an effort to reassure the person, you might be inclined to say, “There’s nothing to worry about. There are no such things as aliens—that’s just your mind playing tricks.” You would be wrong again!

The wrong responses have the real potential to escalate the situation. NAMI has an acronym: ALGEE, which stands for:
•    Assess if the person is on the verge of self-injury or suicide
•    Listen without judgment
•    Give information and reassurance
•    Encourage professional help
•    Encourage self-help and other supportive strategies

There’s a lot of information that accompanies these five directives, hence the need for a one-to-two day training course on Mental Health CPR. Putting this training into practice has the power to save a life. Learn more...

“She will probably spend Christmas alone…because she chooses to isolate herself.”

Anyone who reads my writings knows that they tend to be upbeat and encouraging. Today, however, I am feeling sad for someone I care about. She is suffering from depression—but just cannot face it. I have explained to her that she should seek help to get better, but not only does she hate to go to doctors, but she continues to deny that there is anything mentally/emotionally wrong.

She will probably spend Christmas alone—not because she hasn’t been invited by her family—but because she chooses to isolate herself. I cannot recall the last time she has said anything positive. She never talks about having any friends, nor does she go anywhere except to work, the grocery store and the laundromat. As for having company or engaging in any conversations outside of work—I’m it.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to ever give up on her. I am going to continue to lovingly reach out. For instance, I am inviting her again to a Christmas gathering—even offering to take her home as soon as she wishes to leave.

If anyone reading this knows someone who is in denial and continues to suffer, whether it be from depression, addiction, PTSD, etc., I hope for your sake and theirs that they will see the light and seek professional help. This IS the season for miracles! Check out http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/08/9-best-ways-to-support-someone-with-depression/

Be Happy in Spite of It All

As we sipped our coffee during one of our Thursday after-work get-togethers, a friend and I were talking about not-so-merry family issues that inevitably arise at holiday gatherings. Past hurts still lurking in people’s minds…sibling rivalries… the in-laws that don’t get along…the “big mouth”…the “Debbie Downers”…the show-offs…the folks that drink too much…no need to go on ‘cause I’m sure you get the picture. You’re probably thinking about the issues you know you’ll be facing in the days ahead.

As I shared with my friend, I have firmly decided that I am not going to let any situation detract from the spirit of Christmas. I am going to be happy! And I don’t mean by pretending that something uncomfortable really didn’t happen or by dealing with it in some other unhealthy way. I am going to put any indiscretion that may occur into a little box in my mind. The label on the box will say: The Imperfections of Being Human.

I can still be happy even when we humans display our faults and weaknesses. I can apply this attitude every day, not just on holidays. I can still be happy even though the world we live in is filled with injustice, pain and sorrow. I can still be happy and bring happiness to others in spite of it all. I’m determined to stay strong and stick to my goal.

And guess what? When I find myself slipping, I will forgive myself and move forward. When I feel sad or scared or nervous or angry, I will allow myself to feel those feelings because they are real and I am justified in feeling them. But then, I WILL MOVE FORWARD. I will always seek truth, happiness and love. I will make the most of this life God has given me.

I challenge anyone reading this to give it a try. Who knows, you may just become a happier person!

Check out this cool article on creating your own happiness…

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/08/21/5-small-ways-to-create-your-own-happiness/

Ladies, are you still burning yourselves out?

More than half of Samaritan’s clients are women. We asked Martha Selleck, our Clinical Director, to talk about women’s greatest needs.

“Women are still doing too much! They’re taking care of everyone but themselves, which leaves them depleted and exhausted. Typically, the women we see are caring for kids and aging parents,working at a full time career plus volunteering and dealing with marriage issues.

“As a result, they’re suffering from anxiety and depression. Many turn to self-medicating with food or alcohol. They find themselves caught in a vicious cycle and don’t know how to stop it. We help women sort things out and learn how to find more time for themselves—including their spiritual growth.

“Also, many women are carrying around unresolved traumas from the past, afraid to ‘voice the wounds.’ They will tell us, ‘I’ve never told this to anyone!’ Things like sexual abuse are often revealed for the first time to their therapist. Once they come to the surface and are addressed, hope and healing can begin.”

Do You Realize How Powerful Your Own Mind Is?

After many years of commuting to the city for work, I grew to detest snow--period. I didn't even want to see as much as a few snowflakes on Christmas. I hated snow because it meant driving on treacherous roads, freezing at a bus stop or having to shovel my car out of it. I dreaded walking down the city sidewalks just to be splashed all over with dirty snow.
But today I actually like snow—even though I still have to drive to work in it as well as shovel and scrape it from my car.

How on earth did this transformation occur? Well, I re-programed my mind! Some days it’s still hard for me to believe it. Here’s how I did it, even though it was not my goal at the time…

One morning on a day off from work, I wanted to really, really enjoy myself. I wanted to relax, empty my mind, and spend a little quiet time de-stressing. I lit several scented candles and played some soft music. I dressed in something warm and cozy, poured a cup of fresh coffee and sat down in my favorite chair. As I sat there facing the window, I saw the snow beginning to fall. It wasn’t coming down hard and fast, but it wasn’t a light flurry, either. It was coming down steadily at a good pace and was “sticking.”

Here’s the amazing part: gazing at the snowfall, I felt so peaceful. Because of the comfortable atmosphere I had created for myself, watching the snow come down did not evoke feelings of anxiety or stress. To this day—years later—I get a sense of peace and relaxation whenever it snows. My mind continues to associate those positive emotions I had experienced that day with the falling snow.

And guess what? I purposefully reprogrammed myself to enjoy the rain, too. Despite the fact I had been stranded for six hours on the highway due to flooding, the feelings I had from that unpleasant experience are no longer triggered whenever it rains. Instead, I love listening to the sound of the rain and I enjoy watching it, too.

So what does this all mean? It means we can help ourselves feel better. We have the power to replace negative thoughts and feelings with positive ones. Now, I realize that feelings about rain and snow do not compare to things in our lives that are traumatic and frightening—unless you were injured or endangered by severe weather conditions. Nevertheless, the ability to recover, feel better and become healthy again is very real. Depending on your own situation, it may take longer to accomplish this.

If you suffer from depression, anxiety, constant worrying and negative thinking, you probably feel hopeless and desperate, like it’s impossible to ever feel better. I’ve been there and I empathize with you. But take heart—hope, help and healing are all within your reach. Asking for professional help is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith, but quite the opposite. It takes strength and courage! Changing is hard work but extremely well worth it. Living in denial and doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.

Why Does It Hurt So Much?

Grief is something each of us has or will experience in our lives. It’s a crushing, deep hurt that feels like it will never go away. Now to answer the question…the reason grief is so painful is because not only are we flooded with powerful emotions, but our physical bodies are profoundly affected as well.

In addition to mental and emotional pain—which often involves shock, regret, anxiety, confusion and even guilt—our physical selves experience sleeplessness, difficulty breathing, headaches, loss of appetite, digestive dysfunction and more. Think about it…each of these things alone can be debilitating. Now put them all together and it’s not surprising that our suffering is so great.

It’s also important to take notice of symptoms that indicate “abnormal” grieving, or that the grief has evolved into clinical depression. Although everyone has his/her own way of grieving—and there is no “set time” for the grieving process to last—there are things we can look for that may point to serious problems on the horizon.

For example…let’s say it’s been months since your friend has suffered the loss of someone she was very close to. You are surprised by the disheveled way she looks. You are troubled by her increasing alcohol consumption. She is barely able to function or focus on day-to-day activities, often staying in bed for days at a time. In fact, her loss is the only thing she focuses on. It’s obvious she is consumed by hopelessness and sadness. She barely leaves the house or associates with anyone—even her family and best friends.

The fact is that normal grieving lessens over time—not worsens. Without help, a person suffering from some or all of the behaviors described above may become suicidal. Under these circumstances, professional counseling is essential. A trained counselor will help you to gain coping skills and begin to heal. Recovery may seem impossible, but it definitely is not!

OK, what if it’s been three months since your loss, and although it still hurts a lot, you feel you are slowly moving forward. Why is it still helpful to join a grief support group?

When grieving the death of a loved one, we face difficult adjustments—behaviorally and socially, too.

If you (or someone you care about) are grieving, joining a grief support group can help you:

• Understand your emotional reactions and work through these adjustments
• Feel safe to express yourself in a supportive, caring environment
• Learn to practice self-care and manage your life as you journey through the healing process

Remember, the other people participating in the group are in the same boat as you. And although the environment is comfortable and informal, sessions are structured and purposeful. The goal is to empower you to gain an understanding of the grieving process and learn how to cope and move forward in normal, healthy ways. Learn about Samaritan’s upcoming, free Grief Support Group or contact us at info@samaritancounseling.net or 412.741.7430

Feelings of sadness and loneliness due to loss, or heightened anxiety as we try to balance work, spending, travel plans and events are normal. Taking a few moments each day to pray, practice mindfulness, breathe deeply and focus on what’s most important in our lives will relieve those feelings and motivate us to move forward.

But for those who suffer from debilitating conditions like depression, phobias, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolarity and other serious conditions, the solution is not so simple. To make matters worse, people dealing with these issues may be caught up in a cycle of abuse, poverty or severe anger and behavioral problems—within themselves, family members or in the workplace.

Remember—mental or emotional pain is very real. It quite often interferes with daily living, impairing one’s thoughts, decisions, reactions and ability to function.

How do you know if you or someone you care about needs professional help? Sometimes it is difficult to know for sure—especially since the sufferer’s thoughts and feelings are already impaired.

Nevertheless, there are things to look for. Signs of depression include withdrawal, frequent crying, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, fatigue, insomnia or sleeping too long. There are many types of anxiety disorders—and sometimes depression is accompanied by anxiety. People with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) react more intensely than a situation warrants. They are unable to relax; they startle easily and have problems concentrating. Physical symptoms can include fatigue, headaches, aching muscles, difficulty swallowing, twitching, lightheadedness and feeling out of breath. Panic attacks cause sudden bouts of sweatiness/dizziness/breathlessness and rapid heart pounding. PTSD symptoms can include nightmares, flashbacks, acts of aggression or violence. (nimh.nih.gov)

The things mentioned above are just the tip of the iceberg. Only a healthcare professional can properly diagnose and treat mental disorders. But recognizing that something is wrong and seeking help are the key first steps toward coping, healing and reclaiming health and happiness in your life. Don’t wait. Act now!

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) provides a wealth of information. Visit www.nimh.nih.gov to learn more.

Beth Healey, Director of Development and Marketing